A glimmer of hope?

I've been wanting to go back to school for years now, but there's always a ton of reasons not to. Of course, most of them come back to fear: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of self, fear of success.

As some of you know, my grandma passed away recently. What I was not aware of until even more recently is that, with my mom being deceased, I become one of the three beneficiaries of her "estate." Which isn't much, but her house is on the market for a little under $90,000, so when it sell, and her bills are paid, I would be getting 1/3 of whatever is left.

So here's what I'm thinking: As long as I go into something related to work, they offer tuition reimbursement. Although I've been doing computer-related things for a while, I can't imagine that being my major, as I don't enjoy it as much as I used to and also I despise math like Henry VIII despised the wives he gleefully beheaded.

But what else could I do? Well, "Business" always seemed such a broad, vague, and uninteresting major to me. I've considered Accounting, but as I said, I hate math with the fiery passion of a million stars gone supernova and.....what? What did you say? Really?

It turns out that the most advanced math in an Accounting major at Weber State is College Algebra. Granted, I had issues with high school algebra (barely squeaked out a C) and last time I tried to take College Albegra I failed...three times. It's above my level. But I didn't try that hard either. Certainly if I actually studied (something I have yet to seriously do in 120+ credit hours of college) and applied myself I could pass it. And I actually find accounting interesting. Frustrating, at my current job, but that's mostly because people call in expecting me to understand it, and I don't, because I haven't, you know, GONE TO SCHOOL FOR IT LIKE THEY HAVE.

So if and when this inheritance comes in, I can pay for a semester of school, and stash the rest away just in case (after paying off debts of course.) Then, finish that semester, pay for the next, and then work should pay back what I spent on the first one. Rinse, and repeat for 3 or 4 years (I could probably do it in 2 but I think I'd need to go part time,) and get a bachelor's degree.

I don't really know what I'd do with the degree, but it would have to be better than what I'm doing now (which is working a job that makes me want to occasionally punch puppies, and barely pays the rent.)

Can I do it? I worry. I don't have a good track record with college. I was a music major for two years, failing a lot of classes because A)music major is TOUGH and b)I was in like 30 bands (well, 11 at one point) which made studying rather difficult. Oh, and I got married in the middle, that will kill college pretty quickly if you aren't one-thousand percent committed. I ended up not going back after the second year.

Then, after a couple years of working dead end minimum-wage jobs, I realized I had to do something, and went to a technical college. I managed to graduate there, although I had a scare the second year where I almost dropped out again. I pulled through though, and got an associates degree in Computer Networking.

A couple years after that, I tried again - went to university, and did three semesters, where even though I was working full time I still managed to pass the bulk of my classes with a B+ average, and knocked out most of my missing generals. Then I lost my job and couldn't afford college anymore, so I had to drop out yet again.

Finally, two years ago I decided to go back again. I was accepted, started classes, then dropped out a couple weeks into it partly because I was working graveyard shifts (10pm - 8am) and going to college in a town 50 miles away, which SUCKED, and partly because I thought I might end up moving to Utah, which did become a reality.

So here I am. Thinking again about doing something that I have failed at before (but also succeeded at, I guess, with the associates degree?) I'm scared, but it feels right at the same time. Maybe more right than any other choice I've made.

All that remains to be seen is if I actually get the money, and if I do, if I have the balls to apply myself and follow through.