Grant me strength...

I can't seem to get back into the swing of eating better and exercising.

I know I CAN do it, as at one point I was faithful for over a year, and lost almost 100 pounds. Now I've put half of that back on, most of it in the last 6 months. I've kind of steadied out to where at least I'm not gaining (much) back any more, but I can't seem to get the motivation to get the scale moving the other way again.

For crying out loud...I gave up cigarettes, which is supposedly harder than giving up heroin, (though I highly doubt that....less likely perhaps, because it's easier to get, and legal, and there aren't intervention programs, but but harder? Nah.) Yet, I can't give up food.

Well, obviously I can't give up food, as that would lead to organ failure and death, but I can't seem to give up TOO MUCH food. And the funny thing is...it's 1/3 of my day that kills me. Dinner and after. I do awesome with breakfast and lunch, eat healthy....yogurt, nice sandwiches on wheat bread with light cheese and thin sliced lunch meat, oatmeal, maybe a slim fast, apples, stuff like that. Then dinner often is even quite healthful....a salmon fillet, steamed veggies, brown rice. If I contained it there I'd be at 1500-1800 calories a day and be fine.

But NO. I end up browsing the kitchen, eating a whole package of crackers or heating up an instant ramen chow mein thing (500 calories, no real nutrition) or eating like 10 Popsicles (not much in 1, but when you start talking 10 it ads up.)

Then there's days like today - I had my kids, had no meat defrosted, and needed to take them out...so we ended up at Arby's ordering off the 5 for 5.95 menu, and I pigged out. Again. If we'd gone to McDonalds I could have at least had a snack wrap and a side salad, and ended out the day at less that 2000 calories...instead I had probably close to 2000 calories in one meal.

I'm weak, and I'm ashamed, and I'm tired of it. I have to do better...or eventually I'll end up on some TV show - and being that fatass on Oprah is not how I want to get my 15 minutes of fame.